One Piece Prank Calls
by A. G. Moria
Summary: This is what happens when a certain Shichibukai, a certain doctor, and three little zombies drink too much and have a working phone. This is only for humor and only for pure humor alone. Please give your thoughts by reviewing.


So Gyoro, Nin, Bao, Hogsback, and Moria came up with this brilliant idea one night when completely drunk. P.S. If you think they're drunk at the start you are so very wrong my friend.

With the phone in his hand Hogsback got to choose their first victim. The four giggled at the man's choice but Hogsback seemed a bit fearful, Rob Lucci.

"Hello"?

"Oh yes, are you naked right now"?

"Yes".

"Is your pigeon naked as well"?

"Yes".

"Are you both in bed together and is he on top of you"?

"Is this those zombie weirdoes prank calling me again"?

"What I can't hear you"!

"I'm coming over to finally kill you and whoever helps you keep finding my number".

"Fuck you creeper man"!

The others look at him and Hogsback only stared at the phone. "Nin go lock the doors to the bedroom". He sighed. "Either way it's your turn Bao". He ended up choosing Kuma.

"Hello"?

"Sir we would love to use your head to fit our new teddy bear".

"What in hell are you talking about"?

"Your head on bears everywhere".

"Who the hell is this"?

"Just think children everywhere will have bears that have your head model".

"…"

Bao hands the phone to Hogsback. "I think he hung up on me little Hogsback-sama". He sighed. "Oh don't worry about it, Gyoro your go". He cheered. Gyoro gladly chose Sengoku.

"Who in the name of hell is this, I'm in the middle of a war meeting"!

"Yes hello to you to sweetheart".

"What in hell"!

"Well shits and crackers to you too honey".

"Who the fuck is this"!

"Either way I'm on my way home with the baby".

"Tell me who you are fucker, is this my mother"!

"Hush darling you'll wake Bob your daughter, weird she seems to have your weak balls as well".

"DAMN YOU TO HELL MOTHER"!

Gyoro handed Moria the phone after he got up from laughing so hard. "Kishishishishishishish, alright my turn then". Moria smirked. Without anyone helping him he picked Usopp.

"Hello who's this"?

"SOMEONE YOU DUMBASS"!

"Who-"

"NEVER MIND, I READ YOUR FORTUNE"!

"What-"

"IT SAID SOMETHING YOU SHOULD KNOW"!

"What-"

"IT SAID LEARN TO SPEAK CHINESE"!

"WHO THE FUCK IS THIS"!

Moria hung up after that due to boredom and handed the phone back to Hogsback. "Here you try and get someone very confused". He sighed. Hogsback choice was very simple in fact, he chose Kaku. (Squares are very simple).

"Hello"?

"I hate you"!

"WTF"!

"I'm the user of the circle-circle devilfruit and you're square"!

"Once again, WTF"!

"Squares and circles must be enemies till one kills the other"!

"Then I'll come over to your house and kill you".

He quickly hung up on him and asked Nin to go shut the curtains. Then he decided on another victim, Jinbe.

"Hello who is this"?

"Under the sea-"

"Not cool man".

With that one being so short he had choose someone who I could have a longer prank with, Laffite.

"Heeellllloooooo"?

"I hate you, I love you"!

"Lexi is this you"?

"Go die somewhere blue like your balls"!

"That's it, you go to hell yourself".

"Damn that guy, he's too hard to make angry". Hogsback cursed. "At least I had a longer prank". "Oh well, Gyoro here you go, make this one fun". With that as a request he got Zolo on the line.

"Who is it"?

"Your love slave to your every word".

"WTF"!

"Come over to my house and you won't regret it big boy".

"Luffy is this you again"!

"No Luffy here but I'm make you feel like rubber when I'm done with you".

"Goodbye love crazed bitch"!

Then Gyoro passed the phone to Bao. Good thing he already chose Absalom.

"Growl, who is this"?

"Nami".

"My bride"!

"Come marry me AB-sama"!

"Where are you my sweet"!

"Hell"!

"…."

"AB-sama"?

"Then nice to hear from you again…."

"Oh damn we made him feel bad, Kishish". Moria snickered. "Well he'll get over her sooner or later, as for the time Bao try someone else". For some unknown reason he chose their death wish by picking Rob Lucci again.

"Hello".

"You killed my dog"!

"What the fuck"!

"You killed my dog, You killed my dog bitch"!

"The zombie group, again really"!

"No not those handsome people, my name is Carl"!

"Who the fuck"!

"Either way you still killed my dog you damn lion"!

"I'm a leopard moron"!

"You still killed my dog bitch"!

"Go to hell"!

"Same to you, cat bitch"!

Beep. "Too much talk of people wanting to kill us tonight". Moria sighed. "Here let me try someone we have never pranked before". "How about that X Drake person"?

"Hello".

"Is _everything_ scaled when you turn into a lizard"!

"I'll never tell a soul".

"What about your mama"!

"…..never…".

"…fine…then…".

"Master-sama here let me try". Nin cheered. "That's the spirit Nin, who'd you choose"? He smirked. "Buggy". Before Moria could get the phone out of his hands he had already made the call.

"Hello who's this"?

"Death".

"Oh sweet damn, the tax collectors again".

"You owe over five billion berries in debt for your Buggy Balls, not like you have any though".

"Wait a second you can insult my nose but no one messes with my non virginity"!

"Who was it with then, the first time, and first girl too".

"Your mother pranker"!

"Damn you red nose"!

"WHO HAS A RED NOSE AND BLUE BALLS"!

"I didn't even say you had blue balls"!

"YOU JUST DID, RIGHT NOW FUCKER"!

"Whoa dude, no need to angry".

"I'M GOING TO KEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLL YOOUU"!

Click. "Here you go Master-sama; once again I'll go lock the doors outside the room now". Nin stated. "Ok then, Gyoro your turn". Moria said. Gyoro smirked, "I'll choose the swordsman the was here six years ago".

"Hello".

"I'm new and town and was wondering where I might find a boyfriend"?

"Well I'll help you, I was in fact a boy".

"Wha-"

"Wait first may you send me you panties"?

"Hell no freak"!

"Damn Gyoro I never thought that your call would prank you". Moria hiccupped. "Either way hand me the phone real quick I have a good one, Mihawk".

"Hello".

"Be warned sir Perona will kill you".

"H-how…!"

"She will take you to see New Moon".

"W-when will s-she do t-this"!

"Just be prepared to run right as she says something about vampires".

"T-thank you r-random person"!

"Kishishishishish, he's afraid of her, I knew it"! Moria laughed. "I just thought I warn him before she tried the same blackmailing stunt again"! "Bao here try one"! "I'll try Ivankov then". He snickered.

"Peachy hello"?

"Do you love pancakes"?

"Yes, I'm actually somewhat obsessed with them".

Click. "Master-sama I'm now somewhat afraid of him". Bao shivered. "Awwwww don't worry Bao, now hand me some of that vodka". Hogsback smirked. "Here I'll try someone hard, Daz Bones".

"What"?

"Go to the World Capital and wear nothing but a very small thong".

"Alright".

"What, you're really going to do it"?

"Yeah, why not, I don't have anything else better to do".

Click. "Ok now I'm scared, Nin try one for hell's sake". Gyoro sighed. "Let me try this robot then". He snickered.

"Yoooooo, Franky here".

"Luffy is screwing with your sister"!

"I'll spill all of his guts"!

"….holy crap dude".

"Master-sama we have a small problem". Bao cried. "Wha"? He slurred. "Were out of licker". "HOLY FUCKING MOTHER OF HELL, THEN JUST GOES GET ME SOME GROG"! Moria demanded. "GYORO CALL UP CROCODILE"!

"Yo who is it"?

"Quit trying to take over the world"!

"Mother"!

"We have another problem Master-sama". Bao whimpered. "Wha this time"? "Nin couldn't take in anymore grog and fainted". "DO I LOOK LIKE THAT IS ME MAIN CONCERN AT THE MOMENT"! He ranted. "HERES HAND ME THE DAMN PHONE AND I'LL CALL UP MARCO FOR HELL'S SAKE"!

"Hello"?

"Is your refrigerating running"?

"Yeah it is right into hell".

"Man that is dark".

"So are your balls".

Beep. "That's it next time I'll kill him"! Moria smirked. "Kill him all the way to hell, Kishishishishish…" He continued to throw his head back with laughter and only stop to make his next call to Bon Clay.

"Hello who is thi-"?

"Oh, yes hello I would like a taco".

"What I don-"

"Also can I have a drink with that as well"?

"Listen I'm not-"

"Can you make my drink sweet tea without lemon too"?

"….."

"Hey did you just hang up on **ME**"!

"Oh well, here Gyoro make this one good". Moria sighed. To follow his order he chose Buggy again.

"What, what, who is this, what do you want"!

"It's me again, DEATH".

"Why does god hate me so much for you to keep calling me"!

"Oh poor Buggy we made him have a mental breakdown". Bao smirked. "I just hope that none of his crew members were around to see him cry. Either way Gyoro it's your turn". "Can I try Doflamingo"? He asked. "Sure, but try not to make him too mad alright". Bao smirked.

"Yo"?

"Yo".

"Who the hell is this"?

"Who the hell is this".

"Hey I'm damn serious"!

"Hey I'm damn serious".

"Are you fucking deaf"!

"Are you fucking deaf".

"Later bitch"!

"Later bitch".

"Master-sama hand me the phone I wish to try someone". Bao pleaded. "Sure why not, here you go". Moria said. He told us that he chose Jabra as he was dialing up the number.

"Hello who's this"?

"Give me the money"!

"What money"!

"The money you owe Rob Lucci"!

"Since when do I owe Rob Lucci any money"!

"Since you stole it out of his wallet last week"!

"Shit"!

"Either way go to his house naked and you won't owe him anything"!

"What, I would never"!

"Do you want to end up in jail, or worse is how we can make your life"!

"(Sigh) Fine I'll do it but this better be the truth"?

"Yes, yes it is sir, goodnight to you".

"Hey Master-sama do you think he'll really do it"? Bao questioned. "Hell yeah, Jabra is deathly scared of losing to Rob Lucci so he doesn't want to owe him anything". Moria washed down another drink. "Besides his old girlfriend loved Jabra and money so when she found out the Rob had more and better looks she wanted him. Hand me the grog and the phone I need to warn the poor guy".

"Hello"?

"Yo Rob it's Moria".

"Get the hell off my phone line"!

"Wait a second cat boy I was just trying to warn ya".

"Warn me, warn me of what"!

"Of the fact that a psychotic killer is coming to your house naked".

"Wha-"

"Just set a few bear traps up in front of your lawn and camouflage them, then when you hear the snapping you're fine".

"Thanks, I guess".

Click. "Now that is what I calls a double prank". Moria downed another bottle of grog. "You two may now applaud and then I'll pass the phone to Bao". He already was getting light headed and seeming to fall over drunk, yet he still made his call to Nami.

"Hello".

"Oh yes hello, I was just wondering where do you keep all of your Luck Charms"?

"I'll never tell you bastard"!

"Wait-"

"YOU HEARD ME NEVER, YOU'LL NEVER GET ME LUCKY CHARMS"!

"What the hell"?

"GET AWAY FROM ME LUCKY CHARMS"!

"Hogsback-sama what are Lucky Charms to her"? Bao asked. "I have no fucking idea". He yawned. "Here I have a better one I'll call Sanji".

"Hello"?

"It's Nami".

"Nami-swwaaaaannnnnnn"!

"Come meet me in my room naked if you would".

"Yes me sweet"!

"Make sure you bring and also drink tons of grog before you come".

"Right away"!

"I'd just like to point out that the last two weren't considered double pranks guys". Hogsback smirked. "Either way back to the one prank calls". "Hogsback-sama who are you calling now"? The two questioned. "I just thought that I put Buggy in this one as well". He said.

"(Ring…ring…..ring…ring…..ring….ring)"

"Come on pick up Buggy….., oh great I got voice mail".

Weird thing was he could hear what was happening on the other side and he knew why he wasn't picking up.

Hogsback set down the phone and drank three bottles of grog to ease his shock. Bao and Gyoro just turned their heads as the man downed them quickly. "What was happening on the other line Hogsback-sama"? They asked. "You're too young, wait, too short to understand guys". He choked out. "Anyway, here Moria try Bon Clay instead".

"Swan Hello".

"Is Mister Wall there"?

"No".

"Is Misses Wall there"?

"No".

"Then what's holding up your ceiling"?

Click. "Well that wasn't my best, but I will have the ultimate prank call prank someone tonight"! Moria swore. "If I don't I'm going to jump off the mast blindfolded"! The three looked at him and all thought the same thing, too much licker. Before they could stop him from calling someone else he had already picked up the phone and dialed Kuma.

"Hello"?

"I want a cookie".

"Perona"?

"No".

"Chopper"?

"No".

"Sengoku"?

"No".

"Then who in hell's name is this"!

"THIS IS SPARTA"!

Beep. "Kishishishishish, so worth it so worth any punishment that he could give me through the World Government's power". Moria laughed. "Oh oh I should try Aokiji he should be pretty _chill_ with the whole prank".

"Who is it"?

"I-"

"Oh hell I know should know from the beginning that it's you Moria".

"… 'X( dammit…"

"What the hell do you want"?

"Um, well, all I have to say is _chill_ out man I was just calling to say hi".

"Damn you"!

"No damn you"!

Beep. "Seriously are people calling other people to try and ruin our prank calling"! Moria raged. "Just for their insolence Bao you're going to call Garp and give him a prank call to punish those fools"!

"Yellow"?

"Yes hello I'm looking for a person, last name Jass and first name Hugh".

"Oh let me check real quick".

Garp turns to the meeting table and yells out where the three admirals and Sengoku are also at, "Hey I'm looking for one Hugh Jass, has anyone seen one"! All the people sitting at the table don't know rather to burst out in laughter or face palm themselves with shame.

"Yeah nobody has seen one Hugh Jass".

"Um, thanks".

Click. "Ok that man is a little bit too slow". Hogsback sighed. "Either way that will not stop us, or just me from calling Zolo".

"Hey".

"DON'T YOU EVER CALL ME EVER AGAIN"!

Click. "Whoa I think you made Zolo wet his pants". Gyoro snickered. "I mean that would freak me out if I were the person on the other end". Hogsback sighed, "Bao here you try one, do me a favor and call up Rayleigh. The old man deserves a bit of laughter".

"Hello"?

"You've just won one million berries…."

"Oh cool-"

"….and a trip to jail"!

Click. "It's amazing how fast people can hang up if they think the cops are after them". Moria smirked. "Anyways, nice job Bao and hand over the phone. Now who haven't I called, oh I wonder if we've called Tsuru"?

"Who is it"?

"YO MAMA"!

"Alright now I shall bring the calling wrath upon Foxy". Hogsback grinned. "Gyoro please go get me some more licker and a light snack"!

"Hello who's this"?

"Happy birthday"!

"It's not my birthday".

"Then Happy Easter"!

"It's not Easter".

"Then Merry Christmas"!

"Hell fool it's not Christmas".

"Then welcome to Hell"!

"….wha (="?

Beep. "Ok these people have to be more fun when we call them". Moria sighed. "In which Bao call up Shanks".

"What's up"?

"I'm pregnant".

"Oh shit….."

Beep. "Not what I was expecting, but never the less I shall not give up". Bao stated. "I will bring down hell to Kuma once more".

"Hello".

"Where do babies come from"?

"Um, well, ah, no, wait, um call someone else".

Click. "Alright now for the icing on top of the cake". Hogsback snickered. "Hm cake". Moria drooled. "Not the matter at hand"! Hogsback snapped. "Time to sound like Kuma in order to call Doflamingo".

"Hey".

"Is it true about you not being adverse to gay porn"?

"Yeah it is, hey I thought you would remember that Kuma".

"….."

"After all I thought I did pretty well last time".

"…..of course".

"Well I've got to go, besides I know very well how you're a man with few words".

Beep. "It's amazing what people will tell you if they think you're a different person". Hogsback said. "Either way Moria time to call and chat with Luffy".

"Who's this"?

"I'm the King of the pirates"!

"No way that's me too".

"Wha…"?

"Yeah it's true".

"Oh go to hell Rubber Boy"!

Click. "Damn him"! Moria yelled. "Just for hell's sake I'm going to call back Rob Lucci"!

"Hello"?

"Is your refrigerator running"?

"It was but then I broke both of its legs".

"Harsh dude".

Click. "Time to call up Teech". Bao smirked.

"What"?

"Yes hello this is a free survey test and you must answer the questions as asked".

"Alright".

"How do you handle a breakup"?

"Send the person to the navy and tell them that she's a wanted criminal".

"What's your favorite color"?

"Dark black".

"What's your idea of your mate's skin color"?

"Dark black".

"Biggest fear"?

"Clowns".

"When's the last time you had sex"?

"You're interrupting right now".

"Favorite animal"?

"Worm, oh wait that's me drink".

"Have you ever made out with yourself"?

"You're interrupting me right now".

"Last thing you ate"?

"Nuts".

"Thank you for your time".

Beep. "Man that was scary". Gyoro shivered. "Anyways now we call Van".

"Hello".

"Congratulations you just won a brand new battleship"!

"Yes I know".

"It comes with, wait what"!

"Yeah I know".

"Huh"?

"All because it was my destiny to win".

Beep. "Alright now we're calling Absalom again". Moria declared. "Bao go get me some more wine"!

"Yeah"?

"Are you naked right now sir"?

"Yeah why"?

"Just wondering".

Beep. "Now we call back Zolo"! Hogsback laughed.

"What"?

"Do you love me"?

"No".

Click. "Well that was mean". He sniffled. "Just for that I'm going to call Sengoku back again".

"Hello"?

"QUIT TRYING TO RAPE GARP"!

"Mother"!

Click. "Kishishish that was funnier than I thought it would be". Moria snickered. "Either way wake up Nin and tell him to call up Crocodile".

"Yes"?

"I got a jar of sand"!

"So"?

"Guess what's inside of it"!

"Sand".

"Well I'll be damned".

Click. "Now we call up Luffy once more". Moria stated.

"Hello King of the Pirates here".

"Ok just drown yourself if that's how you're going to answer the phone"!

Beep. "Damn now I feel as if I must prank Lucci's pigeon". He sniffled.

Hattori heard his tiny phone ringing from his birdcage and quickly answered it.

"Cheep".

"WHO IN THE HELLS ARE YOU CALLING CHEAP"!

"Cheep".

"STOP IT YOU BIRD HOE"!

"Beep".

"WHAT KIND OF BIRD SAYS BEEP"!

Beep. "Kishishishishish, well that really was too much fun". Moria laughed. "That or I'm just that drunk". Hogsback laughed along, "Oi Moria hand me the phone real quick I'm going to call up Sanji".

"Yo".

"YOU DAMN MANSLUT"!  
"Chef"!

Click. "Ok now we call Mihawk". Gyoro declared.

"Hello"?

"What color underwear are you wearing right now"!

"I'm never wearing underwear".

"Well then".

Click. "Mihawk's too boring for a real laugh". Bao sighed. "That's why I'm calling Zolo". Moria said.

"Hello".

"Hello"?

"Yes"?

"How may I help you, mister"?

"Hey you're the person who called me up"!

"Sorry, but I do believe you're the one who called me".

"No because you're the one who just called me"!

"You better tell me who you are before I hang up"!

Beep. "Alright I'm just going to choose someone off the top of my head". Moria grumbled. "Someone who's name starts with B". "Who's that Master-sama"? Bao asked. "I don't know but I'm just going with that bear". He sighed.

"What"?

"Have you ever had sex"?

"….."

"Oi that damn bear cut me off"! Moria raged. "Dammit I'd bet Law would tell me why"!

"What what who is it I'm right in the middle of my TV drama show"!

"Law that damn bear of yours cut me off when I was talking to him"!

"So what do you want me to do about it"!

"Well I want a damn answer"!

"Well how would I get one you damn shadow thief"!

"Go have sex with that bear and then call me back for the answer"!

"What the fuck are you on"!

"Beer, licker, wine, grog, vodka, and lots of booze".

"Fall down drunk and die you crazy bastard"!

Beep. "Well that went well". Moria snapped. "Either way I do expect him to call me back for that answer. Bao call up Kidd because if anyone can get Law to do anything I know it's that guy".

"Who the hell is this because it's three am in the New World"!

"It's Gecko Moria you pumpkin faced fool"!

"Well what the hell do you want from me"!

"I need you to go in to a three-way sex"!

"Seriously what in hell's name are you on"!

"Lots of drinks ok, so just go get Law to have sex with that pet of his and I mean make him do it in anyways necessary"!

"Fine, but only for my satisfaction"!

"Damn those two men and bear". Moria barked. "I wonder if Buggy finally got himself under control"?

"What the hell do you want lizard boy"!

"Well hell I was just calling to see how you were".

"I'm just sexy"!

"TMI much"!

Beep. "Dammit he's scary when he's crying in shame". Bao said. "Oi hand me back the phone I need to check up on something"! Moria stated. He then called back Zolo.

"Hello"?

"Oh hell no it's you again"!

"Wha-"

"If you don't tell me who you are I'm calling the cops"!

Zolo fell off of his seat and onto the floor exasperated over the caller.

Click. Moria declared, "Alright now we call someone who can give hell back to almost everyone we called"! "Bao dial the phone number for the only man I know who can do that, Spandam"!

"Hello"?

"We've got your sword"!

"GIVE EM BACK THAT'S MY PET AND WEAPON"!

"Don't worry just go around to a bunch of random locations and have bazookas with you and start firing off at random things"!

"YES SIR"!

Click. "Ok now I have a reason to faint with full knowledge that this night has been a success". Moria yawned. "Although where would be the fun in that! Time we called up Straw Hat for the last time". The last of the three and Hogsback had finally fallen into slumber when he dialed his number.

"What is it"?

"Die in a hole for not dying"?

"Maybe later, and if the hole has meat".

"Damn you".

Afterwards he then grip the phone until it breaks in his clenched fist to destroy any evidence then he fell into a sweet slumber. When Moria woke up he awoke to see everyone the five of them prank called staring angrily at them. "Bao when did the doors get unlocked"? Moria frowned. "They didn't get the key they broke down the door". He cried. "Oh then, oh shit then". He sighed. "Oh and Law did you ever get that answer for me"?

Kishish, THE END. Hope for good reviews and tell me how I did on a one to ten scale for humor, or the number could go higher than ten. Anyway stay lovely people!


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